The One With the Princesses

My list of Disney Princesses (DPs for short) in order of who I respect most to who I think should be dethroned.

  

     

           1. Mulan is first for obvious reasons.  She is not motivated by selfish ambition, she is trying to save her family. The beautiful Mulan dresses in drag and fights as a badass ninja warrior.  This teaches young girls that they need to act like boys to get ahead in life.

   

    

          2. Belle is a close second because she reads.  We will choose to look past the fact that the intelligent girl gets the love of a beast who turns into a man who is obviously gay.  Seriously, we are letting it go.

           3.   Pocahontas is pretty fearless, jumping off that giant cliff and all.  She teaches girls that they have to be athletic to get a nice tall build.  She climbs a bunch of trees, is good at rowing, and she can paint with all the colors of the wind.  Plus, she snagged Mel Gibson before he got crazy.  Points.

  

         4.  Repunzel was not a DP when I was growing up, so she doesn’t have my 100% respect.  She is pretty spunky though, and she wields a mean frying pan.  Her flaw is her emotional instability, which she makes up for in hair.

            5.  Jasmine gets a bad rap because of her outfits, as she should. I mean, parachute pants have never been in.  Sorry MC Hammer. But she does have some moral fiber to her character.  It is admirable that she is tired of being rich and spoiled, stupid, but admirable.  Her idiocy continues when she hands that kid an apple and then acts surprised that she got in trouble.  She gets the coveted middle spot for good intentions but horrible common sense.

      

             6.  Cinderella could use a backbone.  That is why she is on the backside of this list.  Anybody who is content getting yelled and cleaning has too many self esteem issues for my taste.  Plus, she encouraged small children to think of rodents as friends and supported her boyfriend’s foot fetish.  Think about it.  It’s weird.

     
     
     7.   Sleeping Beauty.  This chick is famous for sleeping.  I mean really?  I take naps every day, and a hot guy on a horse has yet to wake me up.  Not to mention she has an entourage and still can’t pick out a dress to wear. 

   




      8.  Snow White has the most obnoxious voice in the world.  Be honest, that chick could win the Noble Peace Prize, and I'd still smack her with Repunzel's frying pan for that squeak.  Not to mention she took an apple from the most terrifying old lady ever.  Everyone knows if you are going to accept food from strangers, they need to at least be attractive. 





     9.  I feel bad putting Tiana at nine. I know virtually nothing about her, except that she wasn’t a princess, she was poor.  Which is fine, except that she willingly decided to stay a frog for love.  I will give you $100 if you can explain to me how that is a good example to set for anyone.

    


     10.  Ariel gets my least amount of respect.  She gave up her voice to an obviously untrustworthy sea witch, and she did it for a man. Let’s talk about what that teaches our children.  “Sweetie, you just need to be pretty and silent. Then a man will like you.  If you really want him to get hot and bothered, comb your hair with a fork.” But the biggest reason she is number 10 is that she’s a ginger – which is why she sold her voice and not her soul to the devil.