Children. Scare me. To death. Yes, it matters that much that I needed to write three fragmented sentences to get the point across. I have never really interacted with them and never wanted to interact with them in all of the years of my existance. I do not babysit. I do not believe people should trust me with the care of their children. It amazes me that my work has allowed me to carry an Iphone . . . so I have the natural sense to discourage people from handing me their offspring.
There are a few kids I do alright with, and as I age I tend to improve in being able to hold them for minutes at a time. However, recently, I was given the challenge of getting my friend's niece and nephew ready for bed. Thus begins the adventure of me getting a three year old princess tucked in for bed time. . .[Note from the author: just so you aren't too concerned (as I said two kids) the little boy was being watched, cared for and put to bed by my friend. This was a two men operation. One kid is scarey enough, I would never survive two.]
The first thing I did wrong was eat most of the little girl's bedtime snack. This created a problem when she asked my friend Molly for more. I had to negotiate the little girl's second helping, saying that I had personally consumed 3/4s of the rationed amount of Gold Fish. Keep the judgment to yourself, those gold fishes are so delicious.
Second thing I did wrong was I let her jump on the bed for 3 seconds everytime I wanted her to do something. I don't think she was allowed to jump on the bed EVER, so even a 1 second compromise made her putty in my hands. Me, "Put on your pj pants!" Her, "No." Me, "You have three seconds to jump on the bed then it's pants time." Her, "OK!" I thought it was genius, but it's probably causing all sorts of parenting problems and disciplinary action now. But she did do what I wanted.
Third thing I did wrong . . .reading bed time stories. These classic tales are no longer the sweet and simple "Cat in the Hat," books of our past. These days, Doctor Suess is hell bent on making bed time harder than it already is. And from my experience bed time is Hard. I don't need to be told "My Daddy can read it better," while I'm attempting to read nonsensical words about Bin, Flin and Jin. After this, we got in trouble because we were still hanging out in her bed talking at 9:30. I felt like a failure. I went back to my friend, exhausted, feeling like it was 1:30am.
Lesson learned. Kids are a lot of work. Between the singing of Beauty and the Beast Songs, the strategic puzzle that is Pull-Up diapers, and the questions about my life I think it's best that I stay childless. For the good of the child and for me. By the way parents . . I'd like to apologize in advance if your daughter asks why my dog is in Heaven. I'm sure that's a conversation you weren't planning on having yet . . .
Second thing I did wrong was I let her jump on the bed for 3 seconds everytime I wanted her to do something. I don't think she was allowed to jump on the bed EVER, so even a 1 second compromise made her putty in my hands. Me, "Put on your pj pants!" Her, "No." Me, "You have three seconds to jump on the bed then it's pants time." Her, "OK!" I thought it was genius, but it's probably causing all sorts of parenting problems and disciplinary action now. But she did do what I wanted.
Third thing I did wrong . . .reading bed time stories. These classic tales are no longer the sweet and simple "Cat in the Hat," books of our past. These days, Doctor Suess is hell bent on making bed time harder than it already is. And from my experience bed time is Hard. I don't need to be told "My Daddy can read it better," while I'm attempting to read nonsensical words about Bin, Flin and Jin. After this, we got in trouble because we were still hanging out in her bed talking at 9:30. I felt like a failure. I went back to my friend, exhausted, feeling like it was 1:30am.
Lesson learned. Kids are a lot of work. Between the singing of Beauty and the Beast Songs, the strategic puzzle that is Pull-Up diapers, and the questions about my life I think it's best that I stay childless. For the good of the child and for me. By the way parents . . I'd like to apologize in advance if your daughter asks why my dog is in Heaven. I'm sure that's a conversation you weren't planning on having yet . . .
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