The One with the Conversation

Some of my favorite conversations go like this:

Them: Hello Morgan! It is so wonderful to see you!
Me: Oh my goodness you too!
What I am thinking: Oh crap. Who are you?
Them: How are you doing?  What are you doing?
Me: I am doing well.  I live and work in Columbus.
What I am thinking: I know you look familiar.
Them: So are you married?
Me: Ha ha no.
What I am thinking: Wow stranger, you are just cutting to the chase.  I have a job you know.  A good one.  I got promoted once too.
Them: Oh. (sad, confused face) Well are you seeing anyone?
Me: Ha. No.
What I am thinking: Thank goodness! Yeah, the job is great.  I have a lot of area to grow.  Did you know women can work now?  Amazing isn't it?
Them: Oh well, don't feel bad.
Me: Haha. Oh I don't.
What I am thinking: Yep, we can work and buy homes and even go into public without an escort!  I can do whatever I want when ever I want. I can date 5 guys at once, go out on weekdays and stay up as late as I want. I mean granted, I usually just hang out alone and read.  But I could do those things . . . If I wanted to. I have options!
Them:  I'm sure you will find someone soon.
Me: Mmmmhmmm. . .
What I am thinking: I actually really enjoy shamelessly flirting with strangers, so I am pretty content right now.  It's actually a strength of mine. But while we are on the topic, how's your marriage? I heard the divorce rate is declining, that must be an encouragement!
Them: How are your friends?
Me: They are doing well.  So and So is in school and So and So just got married.
What I am thinking: Where is your spouse?  I thought part of getting married was so you could have someone to consistently nag, thereby leaving me in peace. I really wish I could remember who you are. Why can't someone come over here and introduce themselves so I can at least get a name?
Them: sympathetic look.
What I am thinking:  I am going to punch you in the mouth.
Them:  Well it was so nice to see you!
Me: Just charming.
What I am thinking: I almost told you I was a lesbian, just so you'd leave me alone.

The One with the Remodel

So my Landlord, God bless his soul, decided to remodel the apartment below me since the tenant moved out. I discovered this upon coming home from vacation Thursday afternoon to find my garage door open and a bunch of strange men meandering around. Once in my apartment, I was pleased to discover you could hear the work going on below quite well. This thrilled me to no end. I decided not to pitch a fit, since it was a weekday and normally I would be working anyways.

Saturday, 8:30am – Annoying jack hammer sound and pounding as though the contruction-ers were at the foot of my bed. I yelled, I’m sure loud enough for them to hear, “IT’S SATURDAY.” The sound died down for approximately 3 minutes then vibrantly refilled the air around me. I begrudgingly got up, stomped around and flushed the toilet many times, hoping they were working on the plumbing and it screwed up whatever they were doing. I have no knowledge of plumbing, but it seemed like a good revenge since I didn't have my make-up on yet, and I hadn't had enough caffeine to go downstairs and yell at them.

After my flush-a-thon of angst, I went to my kitchen, where I was lucky enough to hear one of the worker's renditions of “Call Me” by Carley Rae Jepsen, through the heating vent. I disregarded judging him for this, as that song is incredibly catchy. I also had the pleasure of hearing one of them belch impressively. In my annoyance with morning, men and construction, I decided I needed something to cheer me up. I entertained myself for the rest of the morning by leaning down next to the vent and whispering, “I can hear you.”

As the day progressed, I kept yelling in my apartment for them to be quiet. It was neither effective nor tactful. But be honest, who was the genius who remodeled a multi tenant building on a Saturday and didn't expect to get nagged through the ceiling by the pain in the butt upstairs? Didn't think that one though did you Landlord? I was just thinking of my neighbors! I mean some people could be hung over and needing to sleep in. Not me obviously, having been in bed by midnight. But my wonderful neighbors were having a party last night, and I am sure they wanted their rest. I have somehow managed to convince them that I am much older than them, therefore, they don’t ask me to come over and play beer pong with their friends. I am almost positive we are the same age, but I always say things like, “When I was your age,” and “I’ve been out of school so long,” and “Oh, to be young again.” I do this so they at least think I got my craziness out of my system in my youth, and that's why I choose a life of solitude now. Though they once commented that I always have people over. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was the same 2 people all the time . . .

Man, I make myself sound more and more cool every day.